Caught in the desert

This is probably the hardest thing I'm going to write for a while, if not ever (wow, I'm dramatic)

Zachary and I broke up last night. Though he technically initiated it, I will say with all my heart that it was a mutual decision that God wanted. I think that's the hardest part...I know it's God's will. Oddly enough, that's also the easiest part.

For a while now neither of us have been really happy and it just seemed like we were trying to push something that was just over. Like a square peg and a round hole. I think God had been preparing us for this for a while. I mean, I feel sad about it (of course) but I'm not hurt. God has really given me this extreme peace. I feel kind of broken - in more ways than one - but I know this is right. I feel broken in the presence of God, knowing I have been neglecting Him. This has opened me up so much more to focus on Him and praise Him for all I have through Him. I also feel broken because I have spent a year and about 4 months in this relationship with my best friend and it's just hard that it's over. I'm not hurt, though...I mean, there's not a hard pit feeling in my chest like there would be if I was hurt. I don't know how better to describe it.

He and I are still great friends - best friends, even. We believe this has made us even closer, and will continue to make us closer. I almost feel relieved that we don't have this pressure anymore. We both have a lot of growing up to do, and now we won't have to do the whole long distance relationship thing when I go to Dallas. It's almost refreshing.

Maybe somewhere down the road God will bring us together again, but I'm definitely not sitting on that as a definite answer. I know God will have His most perfect way, and if that means Zachary and I will just remain friends, I'm okay with that. I just hope we both find someone that can make us happier than we ever made one another :) those kiddos have some tough shoes to fill ;)

Even as I write this through tears (which I will probably experience for a while, and that is okay), I feel God just holding and pushing me through this. I desperately need to find Him and seek Him first. I need to find my love fully from Him before I can look on earth. I know this is God's will.

So, if you see me and I look a little down or puffy-eyed, just know I'm really okay and a hug would do just fine :) I'm going to be a little emotional for a while, and you'll probably think I'm crazy, but I promise I'm okay. I just need some time to heal.

Thank you so incredibly much for all the support, prayer and love. I love you guys more than you'll ever know and your friendship is so important to me. Thank you.
Please continue to pray for me...this is just so hard.

God has really placed "The Desert Song" on my heart these two days. It's an amazing song, and one God placed on my heart right before we broke up. He showed me it was fine and in His will.
Here are lyrics:
-VERSE 1-This is my prayer in the desert,
When all that's within me feels dry,
This is my prayer in my hunger and need,
My God is the God who provides,
-VERSE 2-And this is my prayer in the fire,
In weakness, or trial, or pain,
There is a faith proved more worth than gold,
So refine me Lord through the flame,
-CHORUS-I will bring praise,I will bring praise,
No weapon formed against me shall remain,
I will rejoice, I will declare,God is my victory and He is here
-VERSE 3-This is my prayer in the battle,
When triumph is still on its way,
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ,
So firm on his promise I'll stand,
(repeat Chorus)
-REFRAIN-All of my life, in every season,
You are still God,I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship,
(repeat Chorus)
-VERSE 4-And this is my prayer in the harvest,
When favour and providence flow,
I know I'm filled to be emptied again,
The seed I receive I will sow


There will always be a place for Zachary in my heart, and I don't regret anything. I know God put us in that wonderful relationship and I KNOW He has a plan for taking us out of it. I hope everyone understands :)

Severely Humbled,
Erin