Carry Me

Things have been extremely difficult lately

Between work, school, my family and my personal life, everything is exploding. I am slowly shutting down. My heart is hurting so badly. I have fallen into a pit and it is getting harder to climb out. I need my Savior to pull me out. I need to let Him.

Mom is doing pretty bad right now. She was in the hospital last week because her neck had gotten so raw she was in 24/7 pain and it was getting so much worse. They sent her to wound care like that a burn victim would undergo, but it ended up not being enough. It ended up being an infection and they caught it before it got too bad, so that was wonderful!
 To be 100% honest, I have been gone for 2 weeks and I most definitely was not expecting what I saw when I walked through the door. She has gotten so thin and she has lost SO much hair. Fortunately, her hair was so unbelievably thick to begin with, so she still has a good amount. Tonight killed me, though. Apparently, every time she tries to sleep, she has horrible leg cramps and other things go wrong, so she can't sleep without taking sleeping pills anymore. She got out of bed tonight because the pain was so bad and just started crying...probably harder than I've ever heard her cry. This breaks my heart more than I could ever explain.

I have been blocking Him out lately. I have no idea why. I explained to my drawing class the other day when I led the devotional that I thought it was because everything seems to be going so crazy and wrong and out of my control, that my relationship with God has been the only thing I can control and I have shut Him out. I know He's waiting. I know I need Him.


"'Yet even now,' declares the LORD,
'return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
and rend your hearts and not your garments.'
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
and he relents over disaster.
Who knows whether he will not turn and relent,
and leave a blessing behind him..."
Joel 2:12-14a [ESV]



This is  the song on my heart:

Carry Me - Jenny & Tyler (feat Mac Powell)
Broken hearted I come, my cup is empty, my mouth is dry
Look how quickly I fall, burdened with darkness, heavy in lies
I want to cry but I can't, I try to stand but I fall down again
I need You to carry me, I need You to carry me, I need You to carry me, when I am weak

O this can't be enough, just to say I'm sorry, to confess my fault
When I've hurt You so much and now I am asking for You to do more

I need You to carry me, I need You to carry me, I need You to carry me, when I am weak

[God]

When I first met you I drew you in close to Me

Your weaknesses covered with strength and security

I've never left you, nor will I ever leave

Child believe, child believe

[simultaneous w/ God]

I'm always weak, I'm always weak, I'm always weak, these days it seems

but You are strong, You are strong

You lift me up, lift me up in Your arms

I need You to carry me, I need You to carry me, I need You to carry me

When I am weak, when I am weak, when I am weak.