The night for thought.

I'm sitting here uploading photos, when I should definitely be asleep, but I'm too fidgety. I need something to do.

I have this desire to improve in art, but I'm frightened. I definitely don't have what it takes to go beyond just having fun with my artwork, but dreaming is fun. As of now, I still keep it quite hidden. I'm very secretive about it, and I don't like it when unfinished work is exposed. So far this year, I've been so disappointed with myself. I have only turned in one piece thus far and that's only because it was the final. Everything else, my teacher just keeps giving me good grades, pity grades, before I finish my work and I have been using that little detail to my own advantage, or disadvantage, as it were, and I have just stopped after she grades it.

Art isn't the only place this keeps happening, though. I find I have a difficult time completing anything these days. I pick up a book, get 100-200 pages through it, and then I put it down (usually due to a lack of time) and then I never get around to resuming. This is quite irritating - for me and others. For me because I thoroughly enjoy reading and the sensation it brings, and it disappoints me when I don't finish something. For others because I have borrowed so many books, but the overwhelming quantity has hindered me even further. If I have borrowed a book from you, I am sincerely sorry. I'm officially trying to get through them all. I need to before college. If you want them back now, please let me know immediately.

I've also discovered that I'm becoming more obsessive. I find things and I obsess over them. Like trees. OH MY GOODNESS, how I love trees. I'm not really into the whole green thing, but I do love how it's bringing about the wonderful beauty of trees everywhere. I just love the shapes, the lines, the colors. I'm rather obsessed. I also collect journals. Another thing to add to my list of unfinished business. I will write in a journal until I find a new one to love. Usually I'll switch back and forth, but I've never completed one. That's a current goal: finish the journal Zach gave me. I think it's safe to say that I'm obsessed with obsessing, haha. I like to have things to think about. I like to have a fall back thought when my brain feels numb.

Tonight the Horst family took me to The Melting Pot. I can never convey how thankful I am. I love them so much. What a wonderful family. They make me feel so loved :) this has been a birthday to remember. I am truly grateful.

I feel like I'm gaining confidence in some areas, but most still need work. Goal: I shall attempt to grow in self-confidence. Here's to trying.

perhaps I can change for the better
E.