stream of consciousness

Hmm. Where do I begin?
Well, I suppose I'll just go. I'm beginning to think I have an adapted fear of happiness. Sounds odd? I know. It just seems to be the theme of my life. Every time I'm happy and things seem to be going perfectly, I can always find some reason I shouldn't be. Whether it's simply thinking and doubting until I believe my own crap, or I just talk myself out of it - I don't know. I do know, however, that I keep finding ways to ruin things. I drive away those I love. I hate for people getting too close. I hate being vulnerable. I like controlling the situation until I decide it's too much of a good thing for myself. Why have I developed this way of thinking I'm so undeserving and not worth the good? Thinking about it, the only reasoning I can muster is this:
when I was little, things were nearly perfect. I had an amazing house, tons of friends, a pool, 4-wheeler, two parents and wonderful grandparents next door. I was the girl everyone knew in our little school. Though that's not an extreme accomplishment considering everyone knew everyone in a town the size of a fingernail, but I was loved. I was quite charismatic. Then my world flipped. Things started happening...my parents divorced, my mom moved out, my brother suddenly hated everyone, mom met Steve, mom moved to Texas, dad fought to keep us, yadayada...maybe this is why I am who I am?
Once in Texas things continued to slide. First my grades, then all family relationships, my will to be a "good kid," my kindness turned to cruelty and I have pushed people away ever since.

I know this may be silly for you to read if you know me. I mean, I love people and I love love love talking to people, getting to know them, helping, etc. but I've found that when people get too close, I shove back. Once you get inside, I flip a switch and push you out. I start fights for minor things, I get irritated far too easily, I don't call, text, communicate... I have to keep control so I can control whether or not I get hurt. I hurt myself so you can't have the chance.

I don't understand myself...so I can't exactly expect you to either. Just thought I'd try to explain
E.
current music: "The Heart of Life" by John Mayer