the roller coaster of emotions.

So I'm a girl, yes? Well, every now and then you're going to find me having these crazy bits of emotion just gooshing (yeah, it's a word...now) from me and my blogness. The more and more I hang out with friends, the more a piece of me feels like I just don't belong. Like I'm kind of an outsider looking in. Maybe that's the friend I am? ...let me explain. There's always the funny one, or the weird one, or the younger but cool one...well maybe I'm just the awkward one that doesn't really have a place? I know this is so very whiney of me, but I always find myself sitting around at friend gatherings thinking, "why am I here? Why do they want to even be near me?" Meh. As often as I try to throw this thought out, this sadness just seems to linger.
If you happen to be reading this...could you pray for me? I always feel stupid asking for personal prayer, but I really think this sad feeling is unhealthy. Especially since I try to keep a smile on :)

New thought, but same sadness, hah...unfortunately, this isn't really a happy post.
Why have I never been able to have the close, loving family like so many of those around me? Tonight I asked a bunch of people over, and at least 4 of them replied with, "sorry, but my family and I are hanging out!" I've never had a close family like that. Ever. When my parents were still together they fought constantly. When my parents divorced they fought constantly. My mom married, I moved to Texas...we fought constantly. Moved to Kentucky, stepmom hates me. Moved back to Texas, talking to my parents when they're watching tv (aka ALL THE TIME) is a sin...and we fight not really all the time, but still quite a bit. I can't remember a time where there was a long period of time in which I haven't been screamed at. Walking on eggshells is an understatement. Then I see others... I can never understand when someone tells me, "no, I don't think I'm going to hang out tonight...I'm gonna hang out with family." That's so weird and foreign. In my house, parents chill and do their own thing and hang out with their friends and the kids go find something to do either outside the house, on the computer, or with friends. I find great joy in being with other families. Especially those capable of love. Houses free of the cynical nature of the world (and even if they aren't free of it...they certainly aren't like here), where sarcasm is welcomed and appreciated, where they never fail to show their love.
Why can't I have that?

I'm very excited to escape to my haven called college next year. I need a break from this.

No food for thought this time...
E.